happy new year i guess? it’s no longer 2016 and i have been terrible at blogging and to be honest for the last six months there has been way too much to catch up on, so making a blog post has been way too taunting of a task. but it’s new year now and time to reflect or whatever so i guess i’ll try.
i was not good at keeping track of things last year. i have barely any blog posts and if i ain’t documented it in someway, it “never happened”. instagram & twitter kinda count i guess but they are a nightmare to scroll back on, to be quite honest.
even on a personal level 2016 was Not Good.
most of the year i was super duper broke, constantly overdrawn, because my job at the photo shop cut my hours and they were mega erratic, i never knew when i’d be working next week, so i couldn’t really make plans (not that i could afford to make plans) and often my wages were late, like they’d come in almost halfway through the month *glares* all this made me hate my job and have zero motivation to be there because i felt like they didn’t want me to be there either. but i still went in, unless i was sick, cos i needed the £££
my friend & ex band mate (from sean bean death scene) Louise died suddenly in april. she was the first person in my life who has died and been of ~my generation~, everyone else before had been grandparents or (other people’s) parents. we weren’t that close, i hadn’t spoken to her since halloween, but i didn’t take it well. i guess partly cos of guilt. kind of not helped by people who i knew had been closer to her asking me how i was holding up.(i know they were being excellent caring people but this is how my stupid brain works) i also started smoking again regularly after her funeral (i’d stopped in august when i ran out of tobacco while in leeds for a zine fest, and had only smoked while out since then)
i took brexit personally because to be honest, why shouldn’t i? i’m an eu immigrant and it’s going to affect my life A LOT. i’m not wanted here and depending on how it’s done, i might have to leave, which is scary because this has been my home for last 13 years and i’ve never been an ‘adult’ anywhere else. and if you voted leave, yes i do fucking take that personally.
then my one of my best friends of All Time, Kasper, died in august. that was awful and bizarre, because… just no. he was one of my Oldest Friends, since like the very beginning of this century. we hadn’t spoken for a while though, not cos we’d fallen out or anything, just.. life and distance. so i felt hella guilty too. there was a crowdfunder thing to get some of kasper’s friends to norway to his funeral, and i ended up being one of those people. the trip was both a good and a bad thing, or i guess more like good but heartbreakingly sad.
a bunch of bad shit happened to my friends, there were two miscarriages, another 2 friends discovered they have cancer, people lost jobs, broke up with long term partners, had other hard times and so on, and since i’m a cancer, if it’s bad for my pals, i’m sad too or something cos empathy and stuff. yeah and by the time we got to donald trump winning that election i was numb and unsurprised though disappointed. waking up that wednesday reminded me of the morning after brexit. typical 2016 bullshit. and dead celebrities i was most upset about: david bowie, prince and carrie fisher. (carrie was the most heart breaking tbh, cos i’d just decided earlier in the year i definitely wanted to meet her one day cos omg what a badass gem of a gal. and now it will never ever happen)
but i mean i guess it wasn’t all bad?
i went to finland in june to renew my passport and got to do karaoke and swim in lakes but also got bitten by all the mosquitos and my feet swell up as usual and i was hella broke which limited the things i could do. but i got to escape medway / travel / go home <3 maybe if it’s a hard brexit, going back to finland might not be so bad?
i also went norway which was nice cos i had good company and northern norway is kind of magical but sucked because it was for a such a sad reason (kasper’s funeral) but at least i got to go on a small adventure, i guess? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
i got a new job at the end of september and got to leave the hot mess of the photoshop and now i’m no longer permanently overdrawn and i actually have some money and i also get to speak finnish every day at work which is nice. though it is in sittingbourne and the commute really sucks (i leave house at 7.30 and get home about 7pm)
i also made prophecy girl a thing and did a couple of gigs playing my bass betsy AND singing all on my own (3 to be exact) at the beginning of the year we were a two piece (with orla) and had a gig booked at the beginning of may but we pulled out last minute because we hadn’t really had chance to practice and we didnt feel we were ready and we decided we needed to find a guitarist to fill in. but apparently it is really hard to find a guitarist in medway if you don’t want to play with cis dudes. oops. so after several months i was like FUCK IT. i’m tired of waiting for other people, i will do something alone in the meantime. and i did. so i’m pretty proud of that. and i recorded a little solo demo on my phone. (there’s also a 2 piece demo from the spring on the bandcamp page…)
and there’s always the little good things like zine fests (though i didnt do many, only six, due to that whole being broke thing) and gigs (pretty much only local ones, i dont think i went to any in london or anywhere further than rochester because of that whole £££ thing) and books and tv i got obsessed with and all that jazz. oh and i got 2 more tattoos after i got the new job yay.
i’m disappointed in myself because i just realised i only made ONE ZINE in 2016. and it wasn’t a proper one. like i made it in a month from prompts because i wanted to have a new zine for Weirdo Zine Fest. that was end of january. ugh. i’m like WHAT DID I DO WITH THIS YEAR? tbh i dont know. i mean i’ve been kind of writing at least two zines since summer/september, but it’s been a slow process. hopefully i’ll finish one of them for sheffield zine fest at the end of february. i guess i better get writing.
looking back 2016 seems like a transitional year, like an inbetween state, which sucks because that’s how 2015 was and i wanted to move forward after that meh storm. i dont have high hopes for 2017 (mostly because LOOK AT THE WORLD JFC) but maybe i’ll be ok? maybe i’ll write loads of zines and finally start working on my novel again and maybe that anthology of my old zines i keep talking about and maybe i’ll finally get my massive cattoo or afford to buy some replacement tech (i lost my shitty camera on a megabus, i need a new scanner, blah blah blah) maybe i’ll get a new band together finally, maybe i’ll finally stop stagnating. maybe i’ll write more blogs (yeah right) who knows.
but yeah on the whole 2016 was a shit upsetting year despite some nice things, it’s just the bad things were SO AWFUL there was no coming back from that epic bin fire.